Want to know the biggest mistake you can make with a strong-willed kid? Engaging in a power struggle.
Strong-willed kids are the ones who:
It’s interesting that these qualities are highly valued in adults. They’re all qualities we find in business, community, and political leaders. They’re what propel adults toward big dreams and amazing results: independence, determination, advocacy, rule-breaking.
But in a three-year-old who’s testing boundaries and learning right from wrong?? Yeah, that’s tough. A strong-willed toddler or preschooler will argue about which sippy cup to use. They’ll insist they can tie their own shoes and then scream in frustration when it doesn’t work out. They’ll refuse to clean up any of the toys they took out, because they just don’t see the need.
Get involved in a test of wills with a kid like this, and you’re looking for trouble! Engaging in a power struggle is:
These qualities of a strong-willed child can be extra problematic for parents who’ve internalized society’s expectation that kids “respect” their parents, because so much of a strong-willed child’s behavior can feel like a challenge to our authority. It can feel like their defiance and disobedience is directed at us.
But what if instead of trying to control our kids—to see them as a ball of behaviors we have to manage—we try to guide them through cooperation? What if we helped them see that 1) we get them and 2) we’re on their side? How would that change things?
What if we decided not to take their behavior personally but instead helped them discover the outcomes of their choices, so they could decide for themselves the best course of action?
Is that possible with a toddler or preschooler who’s testing boundaries and learning right from wrong? Yes.
Someone who feels the need to control their kids punishes them.
Someone who wants to guide their kids to discover the effects of their actions uses natural or logical consequences.
So, what would it look like to guide a child toward an understanding of how their behavior creates an outcome?
Let’s say you’re exiting your vehicle with your toddler, your arms full of groceries, and you ask your child to grab their cup from their carseat and bring it inside to be washed, but they don’t. Well, tomorrow when their favorite cup isn’t clean and ready to use, you can remind them that it’s still sitting in the car. That’s a natural consequences of their not bringing it in. Did you have to do anything to teach your child this lesson? No. Did you have to “punish” them in any way? No. Did you lift a finger to help them understand the outcome of their inaction? Again, no. That’s a natural consequence.
Then, there are other times when we have to intervene to help our child connect the dots between their actions and the outcome to create a logical consequence. Let’s say you have a preschooler who’s refusing to clean up a room full of toys. Here’s you might use logical consequences:
The beauty of this strategy is that you’re helping your child see that if they don’t clean up, if they make you do all the heavy lifting, something will have to change. And the thing that’ll change (fewer toys tomorrow or fewer books tonight) is directly related to their decision not to clean up.
The strategy of logical consequences doesn’t always click right away for parents, because it really requires us to think through how we can incentivize our child to comply with us. It’s the carrot (rather than the stick) approach, and finding just the right carrot to dangle can be tricky. But one parent from our coaching program figured it out brilliantly!
This mom to a three-year-old knew her son was not going to take a bath willingly. He was in a phase of hating baths, but she knew he was due for one, so she found a way to incentivize her son to take a bath, rather than forcing one on him.
She said, “If you take your bath and get all clean, then I’ll be able to put your new, clean Paw Patrol sheets on your bed.”
Implicit in that statement is this: If you don’t take your bath and clean your body, we can’t put clean sheets on your bed.
This mom could just as easily have threatened her son. “If you don’t get in the bath, you can’t watch Paw Patrol tomorrow!” But then:
I loved this example of logical consequences because it perfectly illustrates how we can elicit the behavior we want while still empowering our child. We can give them choice and avoid a power struggle. We can guide them toward the outcome we want without giving them the impression we’re here to boss them around.
Want to know the biggest mistake you can make with a strong-willed kid? Engaging in a power struggle.
Strong-willed kids are the ones who:
It’s interesting that these qualities are highly valued in adults. They’re all qualities we find in business, community, and political leaders. They’re what propel adults toward big dreams and amazing results: independence, determination, advocacy, rule-breaking.
But in a three-year-old who’s testing boundaries and learning right from wrong?? Yeah, that’s tough. A strong-willed toddler or preschooler will argue about which sippy cup to use. They’ll insist they can tie their own shoes and then scream in frustration when it doesn’t work out. They’ll refuse to clean up any of the toys they took out, because they just don’t see the need.
Get involved in a test of wills with a kid like this, and you’re looking for trouble! Engaging in a power struggle is:
These qualities of a strong-willed child can be extra problematic for parents who’ve internalized society’s expectation that kids “respect” their parents, because so much of a strong-willed child’s behavior can feel like a challenge to our authority. It can feel like their defiance and disobedience is directed at us.
But what if instead of trying to control our kids—to see them as a ball of behaviors we have to manage—we try to guide them through cooperation? What if we helped them see that 1) we get them and 2) we’re on their side? How would that change things?
What if we decided not to take their behavior personally but instead helped them discover the outcomes of their choices, so they could decide for themselves the best course of action?
Is that possible with a toddler or preschooler who’s testing boundaries and learning right from wrong? Yes.
Someone who feels the need to control their kids punishes them.
Someone who wants to guide their kids to discover the effects of their actions uses natural or logical consequences.
So, what would it look like to guide a child toward an understanding of how their behavior creates an outcome?
Let’s say you’re exiting your vehicle with your toddler, your arms full of groceries, and you ask your child to grab their cup from their carseat and bring it inside to be washed, but they don’t. Well, tomorrow when their favorite cup isn’t clean and ready to use, you can remind them that it’s still sitting in the car. That’s a natural consequences of their not bringing it in. Did you have to do anything to teach your child this lesson? No. Did you have to “punish” them in any way? No. Did you lift a finger to help them understand the outcome of their inaction? Again, no. That’s a natural consequence.
Then, there are other times when we have to intervene to help our child connect the dots between their actions and the outcome to create a logical consequence. Let’s say you have a preschooler who’s refusing to clean up a room full of toys. Here’s you might use logical consequences:
The beauty of this strategy is that you’re helping your child see that if they don’t clean up, if they make you do all the heavy lifting, something will have to change. And the thing that’ll change (fewer toys tomorrow or fewer books tonight) is directly related to their decision not to clean up.
The strategy of logical consequences doesn’t always click right away for parents, because it really requires us to think through how we can incentivize our child to comply with us. It’s the carrot (rather than the stick) approach, and finding just the right carrot to dangle can be tricky. But one parent from our coaching program figured it out brilliantly!
This mom to a three-year-old knew her son was not going to take a bath willingly. He was in a phase of hating baths, but she knew he was due for one, so she found a way to incentivize her son to take a bath, rather than forcing one on him.
She said, “If you take your bath and get all clean, then I’ll be able to put your new, clean Paw Patrol sheets on your bed.”
Implicit in that statement is this: If you don’t take your bath and clean your body, we can’t put clean sheets on your bed.
This mom could just as easily have threatened her son. “If you don’t get in the bath, you can’t watch Paw Patrol tomorrow!” But then:
I loved this example of logical consequences because it perfectly illustrates how we can elicit the behavior we want while still empowering our child. We can give them choice and avoid a power struggle. We can guide them toward the outcome we want without giving them the impression we’re here to boss them around.
Evie Granville, M.Ed., is an author, parent coach, speaker, and podcaster. Her advice has been featured by Parents, MSN, The Washington Post, Associated Press, Reader’s Digest, and other major media outlets. She is the co-author of Modern Manners for Moms & Dads: Practical Parenting Solutions for Sticky Social Situations and the co-creator of the Solar System Parenting Framework and Quiz.
Evie holds a master’s degree in education from George Mason University as well as a bachelor’s from Columbia University. Her advice stems from her professional experience, her research, as well as her “hands-on training” as a mother of three.
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