Wish you could stop yelling at your kids?
Take it from a reformed “screamer,” these research-backed parenting truths will help you change your tune.
Sometimes, our expectations are just too high. We expect too much of our kids instead of what they’re actually capable of.
But when we learn more about child development and how to handle behaviors in an age-appropriate way, we start to see fewer of their behaviors as “problematic.”
We change our perception of our child and end up less frustrated with them 💖
Yelling can actually reinforce undesirable behaviors.
“Sometimes parents inadvertently provide positive reinforcement for the very behavior they wish to change, either by attending to it with scolding, yelling, or punishing, where the attention…is worth more to the child than being ignored" (source).
Yelling may be a sign that we’re dumping our stress on our kids.
It may NOT surprise you to learn there’s research showing that, “stress renders parents vulnerable to engage in controlling parenting,”* like yelling.
This means that when we’re screaming at our kids, it may be more a reflection of OUR emotional state than their behavior. (That’s why self-care is the foundation of positive parenting.)
*Dieleman, Lisa M., Bart Soenens, Maarten Vansteenkiste, Peter Prinzie, Nele Laporte, and Sarah S. W. De Pauw. “Daily sources of autonomy-supportive and controlling parenting in mothers and children with ASD: The role of child behavior and mothers’ psychological needs.” Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders 49, no 2 (February 2019): 509-526.
You can decrease conflict by focusing on connection.
This is one of the MOST important things we teach the parents we work with.
Maintaining a “positive emotional tone through play, parental warmth, and affection for the child” actually promotes “good child behavior" (source).
So building in time to connect makes your child MORE likely to cooperate and you LESS likely to lose your cool.
Kids can’t “hear” us when we’re yelling.
Have you ever found you couldn’t process what someone was saying because they were yelling it at you? 😳
I sure have.
That’s because the stress of being yelled at activates our fight-or-flight response in the “downstairs” part of our brain and shuts off our problem-solving and processing skills in the “upstairs” part of our brain.
So when we’re yelling at our kids, they probably can’t even really think through what we’re saying to them.
Yelling is a totally ineffective way to communicate with them (or anyone!) unless there’s real danger.
Your child’s frustrating behaviors can actually be evidence of positive character traits.
Have you got a kid who won’t listen? Well, what if that rule-breaking was actually a sign they’re working on some pretty awesome social skills?
“5-year-olds who used more elaborate forms of noncompliance [eg, negotiating with the parent to perform the desired behavior at a later time] were more skillful in persuading their mothers, suggesting that some forms of noncompliance such as negotiation constitute positive forms of social problem-solving" (source).
Sometimes our kids’ most frustrating behaviors—and our patience with them—help them build important skills for the real world.
Wish you could stop yelling at your kids?
Take it from a reformed “screamer,” these research-backed parenting truths will help you change your tune.
Sometimes, our expectations are just too high. We expect too much of our kids instead of what they’re actually capable of.
But when we learn more about child development and how to handle behaviors in an age-appropriate way, we start to see fewer of their behaviors as “problematic.”
We change our perception of our child and end up less frustrated with them 💖
Yelling can actually reinforce undesirable behaviors.
“Sometimes parents inadvertently provide positive reinforcement for the very behavior they wish to change, either by attending to it with scolding, yelling, or punishing, where the attention…is worth more to the child than being ignored" (source).
Yelling may be a sign that we’re dumping our stress on our kids.
It may NOT surprise you to learn there’s research showing that, “stress renders parents vulnerable to engage in controlling parenting,”* like yelling.
This means that when we’re screaming at our kids, it may be more a reflection of OUR emotional state than their behavior. (That’s why self-care is the foundation of positive parenting.)
*Dieleman, Lisa M., Bart Soenens, Maarten Vansteenkiste, Peter Prinzie, Nele Laporte, and Sarah S. W. De Pauw. “Daily sources of autonomy-supportive and controlling parenting in mothers and children with ASD: The role of child behavior and mothers’ psychological needs.” Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders 49, no 2 (February 2019): 509-526.
You can decrease conflict by focusing on connection.
This is one of the MOST important things we teach the parents we work with.
Maintaining a “positive emotional tone through play, parental warmth, and affection for the child” actually promotes “good child behavior" (source).
So building in time to connect makes your child MORE likely to cooperate and you LESS likely to lose your cool.
Kids can’t “hear” us when we’re yelling.
Have you ever found you couldn’t process what someone was saying because they were yelling it at you? 😳
I sure have.
That’s because the stress of being yelled at activates our fight-or-flight response in the “downstairs” part of our brain and shuts off our problem-solving and processing skills in the “upstairs” part of our brain.
So when we’re yelling at our kids, they probably can’t even really think through what we’re saying to them.
Yelling is a totally ineffective way to communicate with them (or anyone!) unless there’s real danger.
Your child’s frustrating behaviors can actually be evidence of positive character traits.
Have you got a kid who won’t listen? Well, what if that rule-breaking was actually a sign they’re working on some pretty awesome social skills?
“5-year-olds who used more elaborate forms of noncompliance [eg, negotiating with the parent to perform the desired behavior at a later time] were more skillful in persuading their mothers, suggesting that some forms of noncompliance such as negotiation constitute positive forms of social problem-solving" (source).
Sometimes our kids’ most frustrating behaviors—and our patience with them—help them build important skills for the real world.
Evie Granville, M.Ed., is an author, parent coach, speaker, and podcaster. Her advice has been featured by Parents, MSN, The Washington Post, Associated Press, Reader’s Digest, and other major media outlets. She is the co-author of Modern Manners for Moms & Dads: Practical Parenting Solutions for Sticky Social Situations and the co-creator of the Solar System Parenting Framework and Quiz.
Evie holds a master’s degree in education from George Mason University as well as a bachelor’s from Columbia University. Her advice stems from her professional experience, her research, as well as her “hands-on training” as a mother of three.
© 2023 Evie and Sarah. All Rights Reserved.
Privacy Policy
